Whenever The Big Game comes around, we’re inundated with statistics detailing how football is a thing played by two teams of about 10 or 12 overweight guys wearing helmets. But what about the relatable numbers of the event?
Lost beneath the homoerotic aggression and brain stem damage are some magical figures that marry the exuberance of the Halftime Show with a very human element.
Recently, a toilet tissue manufacturer revealed that 90 million American toilets were flushed during the Halftime Show; a compelling figure that demands further analysis.
Runt of the Web decided to lift the lid, review some of the most memorable Halftime Hootenannies, and find out who’s responsible for this Niagara of poop…
Beyoncé: Super Bowl XLVII
When Queen B reunited with Destiny’s Child in 2013, football fans agreed that they’d definitely kinda heard the song “Run the World” before, maybe in the car or someplace. Only 41 million toilets flushed that year. Many fans ‘baked their poop’ and waited to see if Jay Z would make an appearance. They are still married, right?
Prince: Super Bowl XLI
When Prince closed out his Halftime show with “Purple Rain,” eager fans broke into their winter stores and hurriedly ate through all supplies of their nuts and berries. Commanding his squirrel army the diminutive star ordered “Dance – don’t poop.” And the water treatment facilities of America were spared from disaster. Only 53 million flushes were recorded on that sexified night.
Aerosmith & Britney Spears: Super Bowl XXXV
One of the most talked-about collaborations since Steve Urkel appeared on Full House, the melt-faced icons of misogyny teamed up with the Vegas regular to perform something or other. With a hard-to analyze fan-base of jerky-constipated rednecks and Splenda-gorged tweens, we can only estimate 33 million flushes happened that sorry night.
Black Eyed Peas: Super Bowl XLV
First there was Pearl Harbor. Then 9/11. Then this assault on all things good and beautiful. Off-the-scale defecation took place that Texan night. As Fergie and the boys shat over their own material, a horrified nation simultaneously evacuated their bowels. A reasonable estimate places the stool count at over 87 Million flushes.
U2: Super Bowl XXXVI
The Irish four-piece caused quite a stir with a cocktail of classic hits and gut-wrenching jingoism. With a hardcore fan-base raised on American nationalism and faux-Celtic ancestry, U2 was responsible for an increase in Guinness sales and the resultant week of fecal leakage. In Boston alone, the flush count was sustained at over 78 million.
Madonna: Super Bowl XLVI
NASA is still tracking a tidal wave of human waste that flowed during Madonna’s self-serious Halftime show. Ill-advised dancing, an appearance by pro-rape-spokesman Cee Lo Green, and something about a headdress had an entire nation hurrying to the porcelain throne. 93 million toilet flushes echoed across the American night, carrying an ungodly current of vomit.
Michael Jackson: Super Bowl XXVII
Seriously. 0 flushes happened during the Prince of Pop’s Halftime show. Nothing gross happened at all. When Michael sang, the entire world was transformed into a glittering palace of beauty and wonder. $35 million was not paid in out-of-court cover-ups. And when those doves farted, the air was filled with an aroma of strawberries and innocence.
Bruce Springsteen: Super Bowl XLIII
Some authentic blue-collar shitting was done the night of The Boss’s Halftime show. Even those Americans who had expressed no prior need to empty their bowels retreated to the can with a copy of Rolling Stone, where they communed with something larger than themselves, cigarette lighters held aloft. 103 million working-class-and-proud flushes happened that night.
The Rolling Stones: Super Bowl XL
114 million liquid brown flushes made their way to the sea as Rolling Stones fans celebrated successful hip replacements, the Super Bowl Special at Golden Coral, and their favorite band being back on TV. After that night’s performance Keith Richards modeled his diamond encrusted colostomy bag for a room of Pittsburgh Steelers’ wives. For fans with functioning memory, it was quite a night.
Bruno Mars: Super Bowl XLVIII
With the bathrooms of America thick with the smell of Amyl Nitrate, bowels were loosened further still by the performance of Bruno Mars. The never-not-sexy Red Hot Chili Peppers joined the show, took off their shirts and added to the back door antics. Exact figures are hard to assess, but somewhere in the region of 97 million flushes washed away a flood of blood, semen, poop and prophylactics.
Katy Perry: Super Bowl XLIL
Teaming up with Lenny Kravitz has (really not) thrown the cat amongst the pigeons. Twizzler-sucking Perry and her tweenage-sleep-over fan-base are playing host to a questionable grandfather-figure who eats Quinoa and hangs around outside ladies bathrooms. Hard to predict the flush stats on this one, but it’s sure to stink.
If you enjoyed this Historic Halftime rundown you should hurry up and check out these Super Bowl Snacks That Proves America Has Obesity Under Control 0r
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