The scientific world is still parsing the news from CERN’s Large Hadron Collider facility that Swiss scientist Dr. Hans-Peter Birchler became the first human to enter coitus with the very foundation upon which all reality is built.
Those at the scene report a tense atmosphere during the multi-billion dollar procedure, followed by a rapturous celebration with thousands of high fives and chest bumps. Some are already calling the event the “most important discovery of a generation.”
“I will not get too deep into the math, but tearing the hole in the fabric of reality, that was the easy part. After that is where things get tricky,” Birchler said, of the work that lead to his breakthrough intercourse.
The glowing scientist insisted that “many details must remain private between me and my dear space-time hole.”
“Obviously, there were some non-scientific victories for me as well,” said the now-famous Birchler. Before embarking on a global lecture tour later this month, the scientist plans to call up every athlete from his high school classes and ask them, “Who is the virgin is now?”
Full details of the study, which was funded by multiple government organizations as well as the Penthouse Institute, will be published in scientific journal Nature later this year. Leading researchers expect the landmark work will open up an entirely new area of “quantum dildonics.”
“Who can say where this research will take us,” said Karen Strand, professor of quantum mechanics at UC Berkeley. “Will we see advances in interdimensional prophylactics? Will the military attempt to weaponize it?”
“Will humanity one day be able to stare into the face of God, and kiss that face, just smooch it all over, hot and wet,” she continued. “You know? Just really sloppily and sweetly make out with the face of God?”
Only time will tell.
