Wait, you weren’t in this photo? Welp, that’s your life over.
Several weeks ago, I attended a small dinner party with friends. I slipped into my dinner party uniform: a slinky top paired with a chic pant; I threw my standard contribution of Malbec and log of honey-infused goat cheese into a canvas tote; and I summoned an UberX.
I was ready to simply unwind with my close pals. But when I arrived, I realized that this wasn’t just a casual gathering with pals. This was a casual gathering with several Verifieds. A number of people attending were well-known Brands in my industry. That’s when it dawned on me: this wasn’t dinner, this was an Important Social Event (ISE)!
I had to switch gears quickly and make sure to bring my A game. I made sure to sparkle. I made everyone laugh at least twice. And I am certain they were all captivated by my Signature Dinner Party Story, an enthralling tale about Whole Foods, whipped cashew butter, and Steven Tyler.
Overall, it was a great evening and I left feeling like my personal brand had elevated to a whole new level. But then later that night, as I checked my social media platforms one last time before settling into a self-empowering slumber, a cold, hard shock blasted through my veins. I felt like I was in a free fall. The realization crashed into my psyche like a tsunami of destruction: I had not taken a selfie at the dinner party.
In a panic, I checked the profiles of everyone else who had attended, my eyes scanning the background for my face, the side of my head, an ear? Nothing! No one even tagged me to say “oh hey, not pictured, but she was here.” There was no evidence of me at this event. As I’m sure you can imagine, the despair that followed was catastrophic. But during the days and months that followed this traumatic event, I learned a lot.
So, if you ever attend an ISE and forget to take a selfie, here are some actions you can immediately take.
Go To A Secure Area
After realizing your error, you will not be able to think clearly. Just grab your Go Bag and, as quickly as possible, head to your predetermined safe house. Here, you will be able to gather your thoughts, calm your breathing, and (hopefully) stop the shaking and vomiting, in a quiet underground bunker.
Use Your Words
Even though photographic evidence is the only true way to prove that you were invited to the ISE, you can try to stop the hemorrhaging by leaving several comments on the pictures other people have posted of the event. You don’t have to come right out and say, “I WAS THERE.” You can hint that you were there in more subtle ways. For instance, “Still dreaming about that turnip gratin….yummmm!” is an excellent way to let everyone know you were there without sounding like a desperate piece of shit. Though this won’t even come close to fixing the problem, it will at least make you feel better for 60 seconds. And right now, you’re living minute by minute.
Start A Support Group
I would advise that you join a support group, but I don’t think there are any support groups for Missed ISE Selfie Sufferers (MISS). So you’ll need to start one. Facebook can be an effective way to get the word out about your MISS Meetings. With other MISSies, you can learn to trust again, and slowly retrain your brain to take selfies every time you do anything. You will finally be able to accept the fact that the only person responsible for your public record of ISE attendance is you.
Set Fire To Your Home and Start A New Life In A New Town
In some cases, you may feel like a total rebranding is in order. Some ISE’s are so significant (Awards Ceremonies, Celebrity Weddings, Coachella), forgetting to take a selfie at them is truly a fatal error. In these extreme situations, faking your own death, assuming a new identity, and moving to a small town in Montana may be the best course of action. Not only will you be able to bask in the glory of everyone mourning your death online, but you will also be able to construct an entirely new online narrative somewhere else! This can be a powerful way to turn a negative into a positive. Be warned though: facial reconstruction is usually quite costly.
Forgive Yourself
Decades later, as you’re lying on your deathbed, surrounded by (possibly all new!) family and friends, try to let go. No matter how big the mistake, in those final moments of life, you must forgive yourself. You’re only human, and you lived a long and well-curated life. Just remember: right before you die, you need to Snapchat all the other Verifieds in the room so everyone knows they were part of your inner circle.
