Competition in the workforce is tough these days. What with the Obama Worldwide Recession, skyrocketing cost of living, delayed retirement, increased college graduation rates, and that thing that happened during spring break you swore you’d never talk about again, you have to make sure you stand out from the crowd. You’ve gone over your resume with a fine-toothed comb, written the perfect cover letter, and called your well connected uncle to put in a good word for you. All that’s left is the interview, and Runt is here to show you how to do it.
Show the right amount of skin: all of it
You want to make it clear to your potential future employer that you have no secrets, and no boundaries.
Inspire confidence with your leadership experience
Then sow fear with your criminal record.
Address interviewers as Master, Mistress, My Lord, or My Lady
This shows respect.
Bring Nana’s famous shortbread cookies
Or—better yet–bring Nana!
Whatever you do, neither smile, nor make eye contact with your interviewer. EVER.
Eye contact and smiling are aggressive signals to many animals
Refer to yourself in the third person when highlighting your qualifications and accomplishments
This shows humility.
If you’ve never soaked a tampon in vodka then this is a good time to start
But don’t be rude. Offer to share with your interviewer.
Insist that you’re sterile
The United States is still decades away from paid maternity leave, but you don’t want to spook any potential employers.
Blow your competition out of the water
It shouldn’t take more than an afternoon—he lives on a houseboat and you have an attic full of fireworks.
Be sure to follow up with a thank you note and a vial for your interviewer to fill with her blood
Don’t forget to include a pre addressed/stamped envelope. You weren’t raised by wolves!
If you liked Runt’s Job Interview Tips be sure to check out Runt’s Rehab Style Guide.
