Pictured: A free man, for one goddamn day.
Leap Day! Nothing counts! It’s a free day! That is why I, Bill De Blasio, mayor of New York City, on this, the twenty-ninth day of February, 2016, year of our lord, will be going swimming in the river — in my underwear.
Which river? I haven’t decided yet. Which underwear? I haven’t decided that yet either, but I’m currently going back and forth between black Hanes, grey Hanes, and white Fruit-Of-The-Loom.
I’ve been practicing all my moves! And I’m ready to show them off. Backstroke, frontstroke, sidestroke, breaststroke. Treading water, blowin’ bubbles, floating on my back…You name it, Billy can do it!
Yesterday I sent out a big official memo to all the boat drivers saying that I, Big Bill De Blas, am going to be out there catchin’ the waves today. That way, they’ll be sure to watch out for me, and also, maybe they’ll honk their boat horns!
My mom always tells me that you should wait at least 30 minutes after eating before you go swim. But on Leap Day, nothing counts. That is why I, Big Bill “The Big Guy” De Blasio, before swimming in the river on Leap Day, will be eating a whole pizza by myself.
Which pizza? I haven’t decided yet. I’m between Bleecker St. Pizza, Lombardi’s (on Spring Street), and Domino’s. But wherever I get it from, I’m ordering the “Silly Billy De Blasio Special.” That’s right. One of every topping.
Some of you are probably thinking to yourselves: “there’s no way that Big Ol’ Bill De Blasio can eat a whole pizza. Maybe half, or two thirds, but not the whole thing.” But you just wait, haters! I’m gonna eat that whole pizza, and then I’m gonna go for a nice swim. Probably gonna think some nice peaceful thoughts while I’m out there too. You’ll be watching, like, “Whoa, how’d he do that???!?”
Another thing that doesn’t count on Leap Day is swimming classifications at the place where they give the lessons. So guess what, Tyrone! It doesn’t matter if it’s two more weeks before I can retest for “Shark” — I’m going straight to the deep end! Without an adult.
All right, I gotta go get out of these clothes! And into my underwear. So I can go swimming. In the river. Hudson River! Just decided. =)
-B.D.B.
