Dear Shane,
I’ve been with my wife Jenna for three years. We’ve gone through so much together, and I never thought anything would be able to come between us, until yesterday. Like every couple, we’ve had problems along the way, but infidelity had never been one of them. Unfortunately, I came home last week to find her half naked with someone else in our bedroom.
The most disturbing part of all is that this “someone” was my very own newborn son, Franklin.
If she was breastfeeding a stranger, that would be preferable. What hurts most is that it’s my own flesh and blood disrespecting me like this. Those breasts are mine. That’s a hard 60% of why you get married. So if this is what Franklin does now, what happens when he can walk? How about when he talks? Of course, this is all the more worrisome because he’ll be living with us for the next 18 years.
To make all of this even more confusing, Jenna was completely chill when I confronted her. She didn’t even deny anything, just looked at me in the eyes and rattled off some sort of statistic about how knockers are “secondary sexual organs.” Everyone else I’ve talked to says that it’s totally natural and part of the child-rearing process, so excuse me if I’m not sounding compassionate here, but what’s the point of tying yourself down if your very own son just reclaims your turf? It doesn’t make ANY biological sense.
The conclusion I’ve come to is that Franklin has got to go. I used to think I wanted a family, but that was before learning it came at the price of losing unlimited access to those tatties. I also can’t leave Jenna because she has many ways to blackmail me, which I can’t really go into here. The next natural step seems to be to look into adoption agencies, but it looks like a lot of paperwork. Do you know of any no-fuss adoption agencies?
– Tit for Tat
Dear Tit for Tat,
First off, fatherhood isn’t really my forte. Just ask my pet iguana Slayer from five years ago (RIP, little dude). Dead reptiles aside, I’m gonna try my best to help you rectify this husbitch situation you’re finding yourself in.
Right now I’m wondering if maybe you can hold off on ditching Franklin. I know you’re hurting, man, but I think you should try to talk it out. I get that this is complicated by the fact that he’s fresh out the womb, but when do you think he’ll start talking? A few weeks? If you can hold out, I suggest having a conversation about it. Sure, he might only be able to say “Dada,” “goo goo,” and “McNugget” (my first word) but sometimes that’s all you need. I mean, it was def true of my last GF. Lol.
If it’ll take more than a few weeks for him to talk, I’d recommend looking for new ways of communicating. He probs has stuffed animals, right? Maybe you can act it out for him. It’s like that scene in Hamlet where my man takes his dad to a play to show that he knows his dad offed some dude. (Sorry about getting academic, but it’s the only thing I remember from high school English because they let us watch the Ethan Hawke version, which was kinda fruity but better than class.) Franklin obviously can’t fess up with words, but maybe you can start up some subliminal shit. You could also ditch the toys and just sit young Frankie in front of movies with cheating scenes. If I remember correctly, Nothing to Lose starring Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins has one, but just Google that shit on IMDB and you’ll have a whole list.
If you feel like Franklin is a lost cause, you could always talk to Jenna again and suggest alternative methods for getting that cow juice to Franklin’s yapper. Apparently breast pumping is a thing, which I only know about because I thought it was a cool new kind of porn. Turns out it’s the EXACT OPPOSITE. But for your purposes, could be worth giving a go, though I can’t imagine more of a boner killer than seeing your lady’s knockers hooked up to that contraption.
Call me sentimental, but I think you should try to keep Franklin. People can change, even babies who are taking over breasticles. However, if things don’t get any better, you could always leave him at a fire station. Walt did that in Breaking Bad, and it got me thinking how cool it would be to be raised by firefighters.
Peace,
Shane
