I don’t want to come across as a “get off my lawn” type or some out of touch old man, but I can’t hold my tongue on this anymore.

And before you think this is just another clickbait article bashing a younger generation, take a second and ask yourself, did these criticisms just fall out of the sky? Of course not. These aren’t just some wild statements made by a member of an older generation who simply doesn’t “get it.” It’s time we stop and realize that there’s truth behind this kind of talk. These kids are entitled, disrespectful little punks, and I can’t take it anymore. So I’ll just go ahead and say what we’re all thinking.

I am sick and tired of all these millennials fucking my wife while I’m at work.

Not a day goes by without me pulling into the garage after a hard, thankless day at the office, only to hear Sheila screaming like a crazy woman with her “yes, yes, yes” and “please don’t stop” crap from inside the house before I even have a chance to turn off the engine. And as if that weren’t enough, I then have the distinct displeasure of walking into my home and seeing my wife bent over the kitchen sink or face down on the couch (the good couch, by the way) while some 18 to 24-year-old leech rails her from behind.

Hey, “Brayden” or “Jayden” or “Ayden” or whatever unfortunate name your parents gave you, how about getting a job? No, you’d rather come into another man’s home, hold his wife’s ankles in the air and go to town, then drink all his passionfruit La Croix.

Then there’s the whole “gender fluid” thing. Good lord. Is that a boy or a girl on her knees at the foot of my bed, eating my wife’s vagina like it’s a $13 plate of avocado toast? Well, I’m not allowed to guess either way, because then I’d be “assuming their gender,” and all of a sudden I become the bad guy.

On top of that, when I do stumble upon some spoiled little brat servicing my wife, she’s using a “strap-on.” Have you seen these things? Ridiculous. I was just getting used to the damn fidget spinners, then this stupid little toy comes along. My God, grow up.

And do you have to take a “selfie” while you’re slamming her like that? For God’s sake, PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE.

When I try to tell these kids how the world works, it’s always the same lame excuses.

“But I have student loan debt!”

“But the housing market is terrible!”

“But she matched with me on Tinder and messaged me her address and some ‘nudes’ before I could even say hello!”

ENOUGH. Take some responsibility, act like an adult, and pull out of my wife.

I weep for the future.

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