Heartbroken America Sees Barack Obama At Restaurant With Younger, Hotter Nation
June 28, 2017
"It was really, really pretty," a despondent America recalled.
Trump Waiting To See If Next Shooter Dark Enough To Tweet About
June 26, 2017
"Even a name can go a long way. Something with a lot of vowels smashed together is a good indicator that he should send a tweet ASAP.”
Woman Begins 12th Year Of Watching The Bachelorette Ironically
June 24, 2017
Hudson, a 26-year-old living in the Washington, D.C. metro area, has been “barely getting through" the show for 12 years.
High School Senior Boasts Highest Blood Alcohol Level In His Class
June 22, 2017
“We’re all capable of great things. Greatness can be found anywhere, even at the bottom of a bottle. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
All-Female Screenings Of Wonder Woman Causes Outrage, Boners
June 20, 2017
News of women-only screenings of Wonder Woman has left many men reeling in the aftermath, causing outrage and boners across the country.
Dad Can’t Wait To Use Father’s Day Tie You Gave Him For Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
June 18, 2017
The father of three received the gift with enthusiasm, as he ran his fingers over the silk and imagined it choking the life out of him.
White House Forces Sean Spicer To Wear Shock Collar During Press Briefings
June 17, 2017
"When I get angry or inappropriate with the press, the collar delivers 4500 volts directly to my neck. Questions?”